There it is, the knock at my door.
My heart leaps, I check my make-up in the mirror. Taking a deep breath in I open the door to see you standing there. I give you the biggest hug I’ve ever given. We are quiet, not sure what to say. It’s been so long, and there is more feeling than words can speak for.
I pour you a brandy on the rocks in a whiskey glass, just as you like it. You wait for me to talk, but I can’t decide where to start. So many memories. So much love and regret. Have you come to kill me? To see me? Or just to fuck me? I can’t help but wonder what you are feeling right now. I don’t ask. You might just lie anyway. I walk to the window and stare out at the city view that I’ve grown to love. This might be the last time I see it; I might be making my transition tonight. You approach from behind sweeping the hair from my neck. Deja vu. This time though I don’t hesitate about the kiss. The night heats up as we make our way to the bedroom and for a few precious moments things seem just like they used to be. You even ask me how I’ve been. I smile with the smallest laugh and toss myself in to kiss you again. The connection, the chemistry. My pain, your power. I’ve missed you more than words will ever explain. You assure me that feeling is mutual. I haven’t felt this level of passion since the last time we were together.
The next morning I wake with you still asleep beside me. You were always awake before I was. My heart speeds up. I check to be sure you’re alive. You are. I swallow a knot in my throat. I am waking up beside the person I love most in this world. You will leave today and I may never see you again. I dare not cuddle. It would only remind me of how I used to be too clingy to you. It would trigger my anxiety. Instead I will make sure you feel welcome. I get up and head to the washroom. As I go about brushing my teeth I prepare you a towel and a new bar of unscented soap… so that you don’t have to go about your day smelling like flowers… I place an unopened toothbrush by the sink. When I turn to leave the washroom you are are just rising from the bed.
Help yourself to the shower if you wish. Would you like coffee?”
You tilt your head to ponder it a moment. I can’t even remember how you take your coffee.
“Thank you, but I really should be leaving.”
Right, of course, silly me. I got carried away thinking I can offer you more than just sex. I should know better. I tie my robe and walk you to the door. We are quiet, but it is only because the bond between us dare not be vocalized. Would it make it seem less than it is? Or would it hit deeper than either of us will admit making it unbearable to live with? Am I crazy just making this up? You notice something in my expression while slipping on your jacket. You come close and embrace me into one last kiss. You look me in the eye.
“You’re not crazy.”
But you still open the front door. You still walk out of it.
You turn to look at me with a hint of that beautiful smile.
“You’re welcome to come back, whenever you like.”
You’re smile widens and a glow comes through your eyes.